IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE

Knowing how traumatised I am by what happened last night my son,who it must be said feels himself responsible,offered to write my excuses tonight. I am perfectly convinced that no amount of counselling or therapy will help and feel that ,perhaps if I share the awfulness it might exorcise the dreadful memory of yet another Euro vision from my distracted brain;the hope is a faint one.

One by one the acts, dragged on each exceeding the tackiness of the preceding contestant. The number of Pan stick covered spotty countenances was exceeded only by the amount of collagen filler on full and horrific display.

This I could live with...just...it was the quality...no the lack of quality which I cannot forgive.

In my humble opinion Europe most certainly does not have talent!

It was as usual a sickening succession of appalling music and inane lyrics sung by a bunch of manic munchkins with the occasional worn out rock star thrown in.

I do not mean to be unkind about Bonnie Tyler,In her time she was the queen of the power Ballad....but thirty years on the gravel rash voice that could out bellow Meatloaf sounded,frankly, ghastly. I have always been a fan of the lady .but for God's sake each to his own,it was like listening to John Wayne reading The House at Pooh Corner,or Bruce Willis reciting “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

Dracula! What the hell was all that about? The Catalonian bagpipes were a bit rum too if you ask me!

Towards the end I was drifting in and out of consciousness and actually managed to miss a couple of acts. Pa joined us for the judging,We thought that this year we had a serious chance of winning,because of course no country wanted the expense of hosting the next Euro vision so that out of hatred for the British other countries would vote for us to make sure we got it.

It seems that they dislike us too much even for that .

I slept badly last night ,visited by nightmares and according to my son I cried out in my sleep many times.....presumably for mercy.....I received non.

On a serious note,it should be said that since The Euro vision Song Contest was originally meant to heal the breaches in European relations caused by WW2 it must be faced that the experiment appears to have been a total failure. The factions are still there. The resentment is still there,Euro vision is a means of allowing Europe to air its distrust and dislike of the British. I think that we should stop behaving like a bloody Aunt Sally and give them something to think about.

Might I suggest that perhaps some other nation ought to take a turn at picking up the lions share of the tab for this annual farce. Oh and one more thing,perhaps we can persuade Terry Wogan to come out of retirement to sing “The Floral Dance” as our entry next year,and if that doesn't work can we please give up?