I saw my son off this morning at eight thirty, we had coffee together as he got ready to leave and as soon as he had gone I began the daily battle to get Pa out of bed. For the past couple of days he has been in “Can't be asked. Mode.” This is always trouble and he is usually in this frame of mind when I am extra busy or if anything unusual is occurring, today it was both and so I had a a snowflakes chance on a hot plate of things going well. He insisted that he could not get up and at eleven I had done nothing at all and was getting quite desperate. I explained that I needed to get on with the day and at this point he became more than usually difficult.....I am being polite here....I had had enough.
I went upstairs got changed and went out on the buggy in to the village. I just could not take any more. I intended to have some breakfast at a café as I was by mow very hungry, I sat outside the café but I just could not do it and so I went back home, cursing myself for a fool all the was back.
Pa was still truculent when I arrived but at least he was up and dressed so I made us both a breakfast of poached eggs on toast, which we ate in total silence. I did not trust myself to speak and I was very hurt by his lack of care for anyone but himself. Today was just another day but some times I feel so trapped and quite frankly exhausted by having to do everything myself and the problem is made worse as because of Pa's behaviour I have less and less time each day to do the chores.
It was twelve fifteen before the kitchen was cleared after breakfast and I had to give up the idea of baking some cakes as I needed to get on with other jobs. The bathroom needed a good clean so that was my first port of call,an hour later I set about cleaning my bedroom, ,a busy telephone meant that I had to keep stopping , the job took ages.
As it was to be just Pa and I for dinner I had planned to make a special meal of baked trout ( my son hates this fish) with boiled potatoes salad and a horseradish and mustard sauce. I was so tired I felt like ordering a take away but I pressed on. It was a beautiful big fish, a present from a fisherman friend and baked with butter, lemon, dill and white wine it was delicious.
I washed up alone and cleared the kitchen, By now I was terribly tired as I had not slept at all the previous night, I felt completely defeated by the circumstances of the day and wanted to creep away to be by myself. I took a hot bath made a hot drink and then sat down to write this blog.
I had such plans for the day and I should have had plenty of time to do all my chores and have a little time for myself, once again I ended up working extra hard and now I want nothing more than oblivion. It is too early to go to bed as Pa will be stamping about for hours yet, and I shall have to keep an eye on him until he is safely bathed and back in bed, and here is the rub, he refuses to get up in the morning and then he refuses to bath before midnight and then sits up for hours before he goes to bed.
I am so sorry for off loading all this here but I suppose I am feeling sorry for myself and I need to tell some one how I feel. I feel like Cinderella, only I don't have any fairy godmother to make things better.
While I was out this morning I went down to the river. The tide was low and a Heron sat on a stone fishing at the edge of the receding water. At the boatyard the vessels were grounded. I noticed then that the sallow s were coming in to flower and a few catkins fluttered their golden tails in the chilly breeze. Remembering this now is like a soft dressing on a tender wound. I shall go again tomorrow, hopefully in a better frame of mind to view these wonders and perhaps pick a few for the vase in my room. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I shall feel stronger .This mood never lasts for long, for which I am profoundly grateful.
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