NOT BLOODY LIKELY

This has been a down right pestiferous aggravating bitch of a day. Murphy himself would have been hard pressed to produce such a cussed awkward set of contrary circumstances. Are you sitting comfortably, then I'll begin. To start with, Pa refused to get up today and it cost my son and I some pains to shoehorn him out of bed, I think the fact that he was still stooging around at one-thirty last night may have been something to do with his reticence.

We were expecting a delivery of groceries at ten o'clock and as I had a great deal of baking to do today we needed to have an early breakfast, not at the crack of dawn you understand. Nine o'clock would have been fine. As it was the groceries arrived late, Pa got up late and breakfast was very late indeed. Having packed away the shopping I set about baking six dozen butter biscuits, as each batch takes twenty minutes in the oven it took an hour and a half to finish the job. In between putting the cookies in the oven and taking them out I made a pan of tabbouleh, some kebabs and spicy sauce, the kebabs would be cooked later for dinner. Pa had a clinic appointment at two-thirty and at one I discovered that he had not ordered the taxi. ”Ann's Cabs” who are very good indeed and deserve a plug were able to oblige at short notice with a cab at two o'clock, I then spent an hour chasing Pa round the house trying to get him ready on time, talk about flogging a dead horse. Finally and with a loud cheer I saw him off in the cab and then spent the next two hours hoovering and steaming the floors, and tidying the kitchen.

The work done I prepared to relax for a few minutes only to discover that the fridge was leaking water, after an initial bout of panic I realised that the door was jammed slightly open by a bottle of cider so I sorted it out and then washed the floor. As I put the kettle on, the cat brought in a large mouse and dumped it bleeding on the door mat, with a very rude remark I evicted the cat, confiscated the mouse and fired up the steamer again to remove the gory stains.

Having loudly declared that woe would betide the next person to make a mess I finally put the kettle on and made the tea .Glancing at the clock I realised that Pa had been gone longer than usual and was torn between concern and relief, I called him on his mobile, he was having tea, he said, I was glad I had not worried too much. As a consequence of his tea break he was late home, dinner was late, the cat was picketing the kitchen demanding to have her mouse back and I realised that she had not been fed, poor puss, no wonder she resorted to take-away. Then to cap it all Pa walked into the kitchen and said, “I'll clean the floor after dinner.” I choose not to print my reply!

The meal was lovely and we almost managed to see the funny side of things.............but not quite!
I have no intention of giving a repeat performance tomorrow and seriously intend to have a rest, if any one asks me to do ANYTHING tomorrow I shall quote Eliza Doolittle....see title!