A DIFFICULT DAY

I can not say with honesty that today has been anything but dreadful, Pa refused to go to bed last night and at two in the morning I was obliged out of shear exhaustion to leave him to it so I have no idea what time he finally went to sleep. The result of course was that he refused to get up this morning, no amount of begging, pleading or shaking did any good. He would open his eyes and then close them the next moment and go back to sleep
His behaviour has a number of consequences, first, and most important is that he does not take his morning medication on time , often it is a full four hours late which of course only adds to his erratic behaviour and sleepiness.
Then there is the problem of breakfast, ours and his. Either I wait until he is ready to eat or I cook breakfast twice, neither is satisfactory and because of his weight loss I need to make sure that he eats often and enough. I often find that the afternoon has arrived before I have done any housework of food preparation, which means that I spend the rest of the day playing catch up. The stress of this situation has been the cause of my hypertension , I know I need to relax and be less stressed but that is difficult when the daily round consists of the same set of insurmountable problems: and of course I become more tired by the day.
My great fear is that my own health will give way and that I shall be unable to continue caring for Pa.. I am in need of another operation one my leg but there is not way that I can risk spending time in hospital as he simply cannot fend for himself at all.
My son is a wonderful help to me, his very presence is like sun shine and it is impossible to be miserable when he is around, however I will not allow my problems to affect him any more than I can help. Of course he can plainly see what is happening but I try to be cheerful as it hurts him to see me unhappy. The trouble is that some days I just feel so hopeless and wretched that it shows, I can not get out of the house for long and so the build up of stress is relentless.
I am so very glad that my son is spending the day gaming with his friends and will do so tomorrow, he at least gets a much needed break from all this.
What I find most awe full in this whole wretched business is the fact that before Pa became ill we were perfectly happy as a family, looking back it was almost too good to be true. The loss of that perfect , peaceful joy in life is almost too painful to be borne.
So I bash away at my little computer and burden the world with my woes, I send my troubles out in to the air to be diluted by every one else,s equally distressing problems so that it becomes small and insignificant besides such great matters as hunger, earthquakes and floods, the true meaning of suffering which I can only begin to imagine.

My little world is just as it has always been, pretty garden full of birds and flowers, my much loved son, the cottage is still warm and cosy, and yet this has change everything and I hate the fact that this is so. I hate the fact that I am powerless to change things and that I can never return to the old peaceful existence.

I know that I am lucky to have been so happy , I have learned to treasure the good days and when possible to forget the bad, after all tomorrow may be one of the good days ,I hope so.

I have no wish to upset any one who may have the misfortune to read this self pitying rubbish, I expect I shall bounce back tomorrow , I usually do.
I wish for you all the happiness in the world, because in the end that is the greatest gift that life has to offer.